I Am Hell

What is hell ? Where is hell ? I, and I alone am hell. And hell is in none but me. There is no description to describe hell, neither imagination nor perception are able to encompass hell and all it's horrors. It is a state and a place devoid of being, empty of light. When all hope is gone and when brittle life is withdrawn, hell welcomes the unwelcome.

Despair knows no boundaries, here even the dark trembles in fear. Hell is the disease of every corrupted heart, it's likeness is of a vastly expanding black hole - where the sensation of falling never ceases, and the desire for an ending is never realised.

Death gives life to every form of suffering, terror lives alongside torment, and pain becomes a hideous, permanant companion. Death is created, recreated for the creatures who inhabit this barren landscape - they are the wretched ones who believed not that they would ever be called to account, the hapless sinners who prepared not for death in that realm now lost to them forever.

Hell is a world where the living are denied life, and the dead of heart denied death. Hell enfolds all within it's spaces like a garment aflame - the fires ascending and descending in billowing waves. Screams and cries of anguish are the only language spoken here, yet there is none to respond, for there are none who care. This is a place from which there is no escape, nor any relief or respite.

I sought that which brought me no benefit and I strived for that which ultimately rejected me. I sought the world and tried to possess it, I strived for it with all my might. Every ability and quality with which I was endowed, was employed for the purposes of bringing the world and it's allurements within my grasp. But the world is elusive, it cannot be constrained nor contained within the compass of one's desires. It's seductive appearance belies a terrible reality - all who seek it are
destined to perish.

I lived to feed the vanity that existed in me, no praise was high enough or good enough for me, but that I must needs demand more and more. I never tired of being told how clever I was, nor was I ever satisfied when others praised my beauty - I believed I was a great deal better than the fools who followed me about with their empty words and their shallow thoughts.

I indulged in every fantasy of the mind, and descended to the very depths of depravity - there was no act or thought or word that was too despicable for me. I gloried in the performance of deeds that others dared not even dream of. The purpose of my life was to commit evil, for I did not believe in the existence of good.

As I journeyed through the world, I encountered many people and many things. I exploited everyone and everything, whosever, whatsoever had the misfortune to enter into my domain found themselves used. When they no longer served any useful purpose, they were discarded, I unceremoniously and callously removed them from my presence. I was first and last, my needs were paramount, and were fed by my deeds. Life was only about taking, grabbing, cheating, stealing, decieving, I had never entertained the thought of giving. I was the centre, everyone and everything revolved around me, so I had convinced myself.

A person of Faith walked into my life, and walked out again greatly disillusioned. His love for me compelled him to attempt the impossible, he tried to make me believe in the unbelievable. Was I so stupid as to believe in a God of creation ? I was being asked to consider all manner of strange things. I was even urged to change, otherwise I would incur the Wrath of this mythical God and thus recieve HIS punishment. Me, change ? How ridiculous ! Why would I want to change ? I saw no need to mend my ways, I certainly did not require any changes to my personality and character. After all , was I not perfect ? Was I not complete as a human being ? Was I not self-sufficient ? I needed no " God " to enlighten or enliven me. I was all I wanted to be, and even more than that. I was accused of arrogantly and quite deliberately turning away from the truth. I laughed, so far as I was concerned, the only truth that mattered or counted was my truth. I was too important to believe in anything outside of my ownself. If any god existed, it did so in the fulfillment of my desires. My desires were my gods, their worship and attainment was my life's work.

A day dawned that was destined to be my last. Rage consumed me, how could I die? Life was mine, who dare snatch it from me ? Then, I found myself facing a stranger, whose appearance and stench were so repulsive and disgusting as to cause me to turn aside. I made to move, but was prevented from doing so. I heard a voice commanding me to look and look again at the creature confronting me. I could not but acquiesce, because my eyes refused to be shielded from the horrific sight. I gazed at the thing before me, and it spoke. It said my name repeatedly - and, "I am you! I am you! I am you!". I cried out in anguish, " No, no, no, no, no, no....! " I was perfect in my beauty, and beautiful in my perfection. I rejected the possibility that this monster claiming to be me, could be.

Suddenly, my skin tore itself away from me, and I collapsed in absolute pain. It stood before me, and accused me of despoiling it. One by one my senses emerged, they pointed at me, and declared that I had knowingly and willingly corrupted them. My reason stepped forward, and stated that I had never employed it to achieve good, but that I had always engaged it in evil designs - or that I had ignored and abandoned it whenever it sought to make me see reason. Everything that I believed to be mine, left me and bore witness against me. I saw my entire being disintegrate and shatter, I
experienced supreme pain, such as I had never imagined existed. My outward appearance gave way to the reality in me, I was not as I had always believed myself to be. Instead, I was this mutilated, disfigured, hateful creature, ugly beyond comprehension. I saw my soul weep, and I knew then the meaning of grief. In life I had been a spiritual vandal, and I saw before me the terrible consequences of that vandalism.

Time became immaterial. Here time told a tale of wasted lives. And the time that I had spent whilst alive - and how brief it seemed now - presented itself to me. I stared in terror as each and every one of my deeds were exhibited to me. These endevours, that had so greatly occupied me during my wretched lifetime, took on shape and form - they assumed a life of their own. The evil that I did, and had been so proud of, now disowned me - even as every part of me rejected me. But even though that evil dismissed me as the contemptible thing I was, it alone remained - and I saw myself take on it's aspect. Henceforth, evil and I would be inseparable, we were one, as we had been in life.

I felt myself being dragged, face down, upon surfaces that were so hot, they caused me to melt. I was created and recreated only in order that I may experience this excrutiating pain. For each of my sinful acts, a new form of punishment had been devised. Every grade of sin met with it's own particular punishment. I had committed virtually every sin known to pathetic Man, in consequence therefore, I was to be the unhappy recipient of every degree of punishment. Here pain was limitless, it was unceasing, unrelenting - it was the only living thing present.

I found myself deprived of my senses, I was deaf and dumb and blind - as I had been throughout my life. They had not, nor had anyone or anything, belonged to me. I became a being without true identity, an anonymous creature, without freind or foe. Since I had rejected the Truth, and mocked at it, the Truth now rejected me, I stood condemned in It's Majestic Court. I realised at last that creation had not been an outcome of a series of fortuitious accidents or coincidents, and I was made painfully aware that I had not been created in vain, or without meaning and purpose. I had rendered myself meaningless and useless. Now the only reason for my existence was to suffer the consequences of my intended actions. The time for repentance and remorse had long since passed away, no hope of return to make amends.

I never knew heaven and hell existed in me, and that I had a choice as to my ultimate destination. My actions decided my destiny, my permanant abode composed of the misery of profound regret, and the grief of everlasting despair. I was falling through the regions of my diseased heart, a bottomless stinking pit, no light nor life - just the darkness of an undying death. The place of hell and the person in hell merged, this is hell, my sustenance is hell, my companion is hell - I am hell, and hell forever abides in me.

© Jadz Deen 2009